Google is so useless...
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was about 15,000 matches.
Rebecca said to her husband, Do you know the neighbors daughter scored a 99 on her math exam?
Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point?
Rebecca replied sarcastically, Your son scored it.
I reluctantly went shopping with my wife so she could buy a new dress. She tried on several but they didn't fit.
As she came out of the fitting room totally frustrated she remarked, "Nothing my size fits me anymore."
A young woman greeted the census taker. Good morning, said the caller, Im taking the census and Id like to ask you a few questions. Occupation?
Homemaker, replied the woman.
No, said the woman. Dresses.
I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next.
After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor's house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, "Hi son, I'm your new neighbor."
"Hi," the boy called back and waved.
"Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?" she asked.
With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, "Lady, how would I know? I'm only six years old!"
There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. You had your choice of papers for an A-grade, B-grade, and C-grade.
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than her assignment, went to the bank and took out a paper for a C-grade. She went home, retyped it, and handed it in.
In due time she received it back with the grade of an 'A'. The professor left the following comment, "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have received an A, so now I am glad to give it one."
Wife goes to an astrologer to learn more about her husband. The astrologer asks her, "Do you want to know about your husband's future?"
Without hesitation, the wife responds. "I will decide his future, you just tell me about his past."
What did the number Zero say to the number Eight?
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johnny, who's just five years old, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that it hurts."
Mom was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in she said, "What happened?"
"She knows now," little Johnny explained.
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
A man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on the doctor's back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!"
"Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. What do you think you're doing?"
The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"
After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
"Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"
Relationships are a lot like algebra...
Have you ever looked at your 'X' and wondered 'Y'?
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billys ear.
Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husbands hand, swallowed it, and demanded, Do it again!
"Hey, what do you call a singing computer?"
"I don't know, what do you call a singing computer?"
Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."
A young lady stops at the gas station to fill up and realizes she has locked her keys inside the car. When going inside to pay, she asks for a hanger to unlock her car.
After a few minutes the attendant comes to help.
The not so bright lady is moving the hanger, while inside the car is her not so bright friend giving directions. "RIGHT, NOW LEFT, JUST A LITTLE MORE RIGHT..."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Two brothers were past asleep when the eldest heard a thud sound
Eldest: What's that sound?
Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed.
Eldest: T-shirt? Why was it so loud?
Youngest: Because I was still in it.
Little Mikey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Mikey received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Mikey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Mikey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding."
A local charity had never received a donation from the towns banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you havent given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldnt you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sisters husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?
I I I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I dont give them any money, why would I give any to you?
A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange."
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
This Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox, nothing more. Thats it. Beginning and end of list, one Xbox.
You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.
Which was fine... because I bought her an Xbox.
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?"
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, I think its time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.
The husband replies, Youre starting to sound like my ex-wife.
His wife says, I thought you said youve never been married before?
The husband says, I havent.
Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
""Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver...to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A man went to visit his doctor and said, Doctor, my arm hurts bad. He pleaded, Can you check it out please?
The doctor rolled up the mans sleeve and suddenly heard the arm talk.
Hello Doctor, said the arm, could you lend me twenty bucks please? Im desperate.
The doctor said, Aha! I see the problem!!!
What is it? asked the man.
It appears, explained the doctor, that your arm is broke!
Little Johnny asks his father, "Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."
"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."
"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."
Little Johnny pauses for a beat, "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
"Not at all son. How else are you going to learn."
His girlfriends father was interviewing Young Charles.
So, said the father, you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
No, not particularly, said Charles tactlessly, but if I want to marry your daughter I havent much choice, have I?
The owner of a company tells his employees, You worked very hard this year, therefore the companys profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I m giving everyone a check for $5,000!
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
And if you work with the same zeal next year, Ill sign those checks!
A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"
After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."
"It depends on what?" she asked.
"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."
A The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"
Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: "Who just threw that?"
Boy: "Me, and I'm going home now."
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
This is Confidence!
Dad I think the Smiths next door are angry at us - "Why is that?"
"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't."
"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper."
"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too."
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"
"What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.
"A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."
"Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"
"What's extinguish?" she asked.
"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald
"Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."
The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.
"Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress
"Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"
A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him.
The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.
Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said:
I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.
A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."
A chemical engineer, electrical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are on a road trip. The car breaks down.
The electrical engineer looks under the hood and can't find anything wrong.
The chemical engineer checks the oil and fuel and can't find anything wrong.
The Microsoft engineer says, "Close all the windows, and try again."
When I went to the automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I said to the technician, "this side is open!"
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
He replied, "I know. I already did that side."
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Vicky was at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!"
A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.
"But what," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse."
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible! - But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A man was looking for someone to paint his porch. So he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, "I'm done."
The man asked, "How did you get done so fast?"
The lady said, "It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asks the driver.
"Quattro means four," replied the blonde.
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Irishman retorted in disbelief, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law".
The driver replies angrily, "Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," she said sweetly, "he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
Two young men applied for an engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.
The manager went up to one of the guys and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
The engineer said, "But why, we both got nine questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
The engineer asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I'."
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
A Doctor and an Advocate loved the same girl. The Doctor gave her a rose daily and the advocate gave the girl an apple.
The girl got confused and asked the Advocate, "There is a meaning in giving rose in love. Why are you giving me an apple?"
Advocate answered: Because, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
A priest and a cab driver went to heaven.
The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.
The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.
The priest asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?"
St. Peter said, "We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, "Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return."
After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, "$550.00"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking.
The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?"
The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife".
Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade".
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done!
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning."I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi.
"The next day she bought him an electric guitar."
A famous mathematician, bored with his career of choice, gives it all up to go become a fireman.
The fire chief looks over his resume a bit puzzled, but the candidate seems physically fit and intelligent, so he decides to administer a test. They go into the back alley where the fire chief asks the mathematician, "Okay, so you're walking down the alley, and you see this dumpster on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, and says, "I put it out with that fire extinguisher."
"Okay, good," says the fire chief. "Now, imagine you're walking down this alley and the dumpster's NOT on fire. What should you do then?"
"Oh that's easy!" Replies the mathematician. "I light the dumpster on fire."
The fire chief is shocked. "Why would you do that?!" He exclaims.
"Because that reduces the problem to one I've already solved."
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can get something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man yells.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man replies, "but my wife out in the car still does!"
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York.
As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" asked the passenger.
"Yes or No," replied the attendant
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. "Rest in Peace"
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Merv was in a terrible accident at work.
He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.
Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.
After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three.
It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
An employee comes into her manager's office to take a day off from work. The manager replies:
"So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."
The idiot says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.
The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over $5.
Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bob's boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.'
His boss is skeptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarrassed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob.
A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes "Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, let's have a drink together." Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you don't know the pope'.
Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isn't goanna work, he's never going to see me here when there's this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital.
'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?'
'No, it wasn't that, I sort of expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pajamas standing next to Bob there?'
My grandparents were taking me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go.
"All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall."
Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day.
Only one private remained.
He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, sarge."
A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."
The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details,"
the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation,
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Det var jomfru Maria, der havde fået lov af Gud at komme ned på jorden i et par dage, mod at hun ringede hjem til ham hver aften.
Første aften ringede hun: Hej det er Jomfru Maria, idag har jeg prøvet at drikke mig fuld.
Gud svarede: Hmm, det må du love ikke at gøre igen.
Anden aften ringede hun: Hej det er Jomfru Maria, idag har jeg røget mig skæv.
Gud svarede: Hmm, det må du love ikke at gøre igen.
Tredie aften ringede hun : Hej det er Maria......
En mand var blevet indlagt på tosseanstalten, fordi han troede han var en mus. Da han havde været indlagt 1 år, mente lægerne, at han var rask nok til at kunne blive udskrevet.
Netop som han var ved at tage afsked med overlægen, kom en kat forbi og manden begyndte at ryste.
- "Hvorfor ryster De?", spurgte overlægen.
- "Hr. doktor. Kan De se katten?"
- "Ja, men De ved jo godt, at De ikke er en mus ik?"
- "Jo, jo. Jeg ved det og De ved det, men ved katten det?"
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, He didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never Sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, I miss him
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a SAP consultant. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies... "Divorce Attorney."
Et ægtepar tog på hospitalet, fordi deres barn skulle fødes.
Ved ankomsten fortalte lægen dem, at han havde opfundet en maskine, der kunne overføre en del af veerne fra moderen til faderen. Han spurgte om de kunne tænke sig at afprøve anlægget og det syntes de begge særdeles godt om.
Lægen indstillede smerteoverførslen på 10% og forklarede, at 10 % nok var mere smerte, end faderen nogensinde før havde været udsat for. Men efterhånden som det hele skred frem, havde faderen det fortsat rigtig godt og bad lægen om at sætte den et hak op.
Lægen indstillede den så til 20% overførsel. Faderen havde det fortsat strålende. Efter at have kontrolleret hans puls undrede lægen sig over faderens tilstand - der stadig var fin.
De sig besluttede sig for at forsøge med 50%. Faderen følte sig fortsat godt tilpas. Da det åbenbart hjalp hans kone meget, opfordrede han lægen til at overføre alle 100% til ham.
Moderen nedkom nærmest uden smerter med en velskabt baby. Hun og manden var ellevilde af begejstring - dette stoppede dog brat da de kom hjem. Foran deres hoveddør lå postbudet stendød.
On the day of the wedding, Mary was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary's feet were in agony.
When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say 'God,that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said Henrik. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
En dansker sidder og spiser morgenmad på en cafe.
Ved siden af ham sidder en svensker, der tygger tyggegummi.
Uopfordret indleder svenskeren en samtale: Spiser danskere egentlig hele brødet?
Danskeren lader modvilligt morgenmaden ligge og svarer: Ja, naturligvis!
Svenskeren leger med tyggegummiet i munden og siger: Det gør vi ikke hos os.
I Sverige spiser vi kun det inderste af brødet. Brødskorpen bliver samlet i en container, bliver forarbejdet og formet til rundstykker og solgt til Danmark.
Danskeren hører kun meget lidt efter.
Svenskeren smiler og spørger videre: Spiser I også marmelade til brødet?
Danskeren svarer let irriteret: Ja, naturligvis.
Mens svenskeren tygger tyggegummi imellem tænderne, siger han: Ikke hos os. Hos os i Sverige spiser vi kun frugt til morgenmad. Skallerne og resterne bliver samlet i en container, forarbejdet til marmelade og solgt til Danmark.
Nu er det danskerens tur til at spørge! Sig mig en ting, spørger danskeren. Dyrker I også sex i Sverige?
Svenskeren griner og svarer: Ja, naturligvis dyrker vi sex i Sverige !
Danskeren læner sig over bordet og spørger: Hvad gør I med kondomerne, når de er blevet brugt?!
Dem smider vi da ud, svarer svenskeren.
Nu begynder danskeren virkelig at grine.!
Ikke hos os, hos os i Danmark bliver alle brugte kondomer samlet i en container, forarbejdet, smeltet og solgt til Sverige som tyggegummi. !!
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